It is a long time coming in writing this and I am glad that I did, but I am equally glad this is the last chapter. I started this memoir, over a year ago, to finally be free of him, of the memories, still to fresh in my mind. Somehow, putting it all into writing has helped me to do this, to once and for all be done, have some sort of closure. It has been very therapeutic for me …putting my feelings and experiences down on paper. It is liberating and exhilarating all at the same time. Strangely enough I am not bitter …I am thankful for that. I do not regret the experience either. I loved and lost, as they say, and was able to feel so many emotions through the process. Love, joy, happiness, pain, sorrow, disappointment …That is life. We experience, we learn, we grow …and we become stronger for having done so.
Two days after receiving the fated letter I was still reeling from the shock of it all. My emotions were everywhere and I was trying desperately to hold it all together. I needed to be clear-headed, I needed a plan of action and I needed to be careful of what emotion ruled me now. Anger was taking hold and my immediate reaction was to pack up and leave, to put as much distance between us as possible. But also, I wanted to fight for us, for what we had, because despite it all, I still loved him. I was not ready to just step aside and let this other woman have him. Most importantly I had my son to think of. How was this going to affect him? My choices were his too. My course of action was to hide this from my son for the time being. I wanted him to think all was fine, even if it was not.
Looking back now, I don’t know how I got through the next few months, but I did. I do know that with each battle we encounter we grow stronger for having experienced it.
I knew I had some decisions to make and I knew I needed to make them soon. I could not hide the turmoil from my son for long. Children are very observant and understand more than you think, acting like a sponge they absorb things that you put out there, all the good vibes and the bad. I could not hide my pain much longer, but I needed to be strong now for us, my son and myself. I knew whatever decision I made I would need to stand by it. The road ahead, no matter what decision, would not be easy and I would need all my strength.
My initial decision was to stay and try to make it work. A month in I realized, it would not …I knew it was time to get out. It was time to save myself, to break away and be free. He was not going to change and I would not live this way. I might win this victory and his affection, momentarily …but there would always be someone else around the corner. Some other woman for him to draw from …someone to use, to fuel his power and diminish his insecurities he held deep inside that no one woman could ever fill.
I still remember the day I told him I was leaving him and moving back to where I grew up. The look on his face …I think it was more shock than pain or sadness. I don’t think he was hurt or upset that I was leaving him, that he was losing me. NO! I think that it was the shock that he could lose me. That I wasn’t so wrapped around his little finger after all. I don’t think he ever thought that one day he might lose me, that I would walk away first. I think he thought I would always be there, no matter what he did. I would always come back to him and be there if he wanted me. So what do you say to someone who you could not care whether they actually stayed or went? You say nothing, he said nothing. He laid there, staring up at the ceiling for the longest time. Maybe, just maybe …at least I would like to think, that for a moment he was actually going to miss me. But if he was, if he thought it, he never said it. Eventually he did say that it could be a temporary thing and that if I were not happy I could come back. He said we could still keep in touch, talk on the phone. He said that he could come see me sometimes. I believe this was not because he was going to miss me. No, I think it was because he was losing the power, the control he had over me that he desperately needed from each of his women to fill the void that prevented him from feeling like a man.
So I left, I moved. I would like to say that I never looked back, but you see, it wasn’t that easy. I had a new life, a new job, a new temporary place …and I still had him! He was everywhere! He was in my thoughts; by way of movies we watched, music we listened to, places we went …memories of him popped up continuously.
It took two years for me to get over him. I like to say I am over him and for the most part I am, but actually I think there is a part of me that never will be, even after all the hurt he caused. I have however, moved on! Maybe that is what really happens when you lose someone you love, you just move on. You don’t forget them, you don’t get over it completely, you simply …Just. Move. On.
I am happy now. I know things turned out the way they needed to. My son is happy and well-adjusted, things are good. We have a good life here and I learn to count my blessings for what I have every day! I still haven’t found that special person …but I am out there, dating, and eventually I will find him. But for now I am content. I know that I am strong. I know I am independent. I weathered a great storm and it has passed. You live and you learn and you live again. Smarter, older, wiser …but still in the game!
To read the earlier chapters click links below:
Thanks for reading!