Memoirs of a Dater – Chapter Two

It has been awhile since I wrote about  “tall, dark, handsome and never going to commit” aka Prince Charming.  I suppose in some ways I don’t want to finish the story …after all this time, now, is it really worth sitting down and putting the experience into words?  Does it really matter anymore?  But then again … if one person reads this and learns from it …to beware, then I guess it is worth it for that alone.  I also suppose it is healthy for me to finally get some of this out.  After all, I started this blog as a creative outlet; a place to write down my feelings, thoughts …life experiments.  This is definitely a life experiment and lesson learned.  Yet I don’t regret having met him.  I don’t regret having the experience at all.  I learned so much from it …and if nothing else, the sex was great!  Sometimes when something is that good you mistake it for more; more than it really is.

Well as I was saying in Chapter One, all was bliss and then it wasn’t.  There were so many red flags from the beginning.  Deep down I knew they were there, I just didn’t want to see them.  I was so vulnerable, being recently divorced after being married for a long time.  I was so naïve to his type of betrayal.  I had never, to my knowledge, had anyone deceive and cheat on me in this way before.   He was a master at the game …a real player.  He had studied and profected his craft well.  He knew just what to say and just what to do …to get what he wanted out of women.  He had a certain power, charm …But I was smart and even though I had been blinded by his good looks and charm, I was catching on to his game.  Sometimes I think that is why we were together so long, why he stayed with me so long.  Because I was the only woman who seemed to see through all the smoke and mirrors.  I was a challenge of sorts and then again, there was the sex.  He stayed so long for the sex.  He always said he loved making love to me.   I though it was love.  I was in love, but for him …I don’t think he could love.  He was broken, damaged emotionally …somehow by someone from his past.  I was never really sure …but I think it was his Mother or his first girlfriend.  The result was a man who could not let himself get to close, love or totally commit to anyone.

His MO was to pretend to be something he wasn’t.   His methods of doing this actually worked.  Of course, I found him out on my own.  But I was one of few who did.  Either because some women were just to trusting or he left before he was found out.  He used a fake name and a fake address; not always the same one either.  He had several different alias’ and addresses.  He flipped houses for a living and often would claim that they were his, where he lived.  When in reality he lived with his parents.  He used the fake name and address so that a) if he was found out no one could seek revenge.  They would not be able to find him.  For that person did not exist.  b)  When he got tired or the game he could bail out, again not to be found.  c) None of the women could ever find out about each other when no one really knew who he was.  d) Hey, it just made him look more appealing.  To pretend to be more than he was got him more.  He often brought women to one of his flip houses and told them he was building it for them.  For when they got married and then he would say he was buying them a ring.   Of course neither were true.  He never had any intentions of committing to anyone.

By the time I found all this out, I was in love.  He admitted everything and said he loved me and would change.  I believed him.  Big mistake!  How you ask could I be in love with such a man?  Well my friend, as they say, love is blind.  He did change for a while.  He told me he wanted us to live together as proof of his love.  He said if we lived together I would know he was serious about wanting to be with only me.  And so for a while our life together was happy.  I think he tried; he tried to be that perfect boyfriend.  He loved me in his own way.  He loved me as much as he could, for someone who didn’t know how to love.  He loved making me happy.  He did all the things you would want, and for a while he was the perfect boyfriend, at least he was to me.  He was everything I had ever wanted in a man, or so I though.  But just like so many things, it didn’t last.

I think the beginning to the end started when he took a new job which required him to travel quite often and sometimes for weeks at a time.  We were so excited when he first got the job, for it meant a huge pay increase.  We really needed the money at the time.  His company had taken a nose dive when the economy did and it looked like finally all our financial problems were over.  But sometimes with a positive there is a negative to follow.   I think it was just to easy for him to go back to his old ways; with him on the road and me not around.  I don’t know when it started or exactly why.  All I know is that I thought everything was fine.  Yes, he was traveling a lot.  Gone all week and only home on the weekends.  The weekends were great though.  It seem to be working for us.  During the week we had our work and on the weekends we had each other.  I had no clue that anything was wrong or different …until the letter came.

The letter that started the beginning of the end, the end of our relationship.  Like a carefully constructed building, once its support starts to deteriorate; the structure is at risk of eventually falling.  The letter was this for us.  I remember the day it came well.  It was a Friday in late July.  Everything had been going really well and I was really happy.  We had just returned from a trip to my hometown where we had attended my High School reunion.  Looking back I think it was one of the happiest times of my life.  The calm before the storm.  The letter was addressed to me with no return address.  The postmark showed that it had been sent from a different city.  At first I thought it was one of those chain letters.  I almost threw it in the trash without ever opening it.  The letter was from a woman who claimed to be living with him.  She wanted to know if I was his girlfriend.  She said she had come across my address while unpacking his suit case one day.  That she loved him and they had lived together for about two months.  She said he told her that he had to go home on the weekends because of his sick Mother.  But that they were together during the week.  She said she confronted him about me and he told her I was an ex girlfriend.  He told her we were no longer together.  She said he had asked her to marry him in February and before she said yes she wanted to know if he was telling the truth about me.

What goes through ones mind when one reads such a letter?!  Sadly I can answer that question, so many emotions …shock, disbelief, pain, hurt, anger and curiosity.  The next two weeks were a blur.  I did not eat for two days straight, slept little and cried a lot.  When I pulled myself together the first two emotions to re-surface were anger and curiosity …

Stay tuned for more …

Also read:  Memoirs of a Dater – Chapter One

Thanks for reading!

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16 thoughts on “Memoirs of a Dater – Chapter Two

  1. oh my what an experience, reminds me of the conman I met last year. He lived in a different place each month, drove rental cars and had so many different business interests supposedly, claimed he was an Investment banker/senior corporate lawyer but turned out he was a fake and owed several women money. Two women contacted me after I dumped him after 5mths. It’s pretty damn scary out there trying to trust single men today. x

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    • Yes it is hard to trust sometimes, when you have experiences like that. Your conman and my prince charming sound a lot alike, maybe one day Karma will take care of them both. Thanks so much for commenting. I enjoy your input and posts on your blog as well.

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  2. Arl, I’m so sorry for you – and know how hard and shocking to the core such an experience is.
    Sadly, there seem to me a lot of outwardly ‘normal’ people, who are actually pretending to be something that they are not. Some I think even believe their own pretence.
    You are stronger than that.
    I’m glad you have found peace. Hold onto it!
    Love to you, take care of yourself.
    Emma x.

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    • Emma! So nice to hear from you, as always. 🙂 I was thinking of you the other day, that I had not seen any post from you in my reader. Thank you so much for your kind words. It was a bad experience …the way it ended was the hardest. But I am in a different place now and yes happy and peaceful. 🙂 Wishing you the best today and always!

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  3. I love how comfortable you are talking about him and everything. And honestly you don’t sound bitter, neither desperate coz you’re aware, as other could have been in your position. I found virtue the way you accept things, Arlene.

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    • Thank you so much for saying that …I really appreciate it. Strangely enough I am not bitter …I am thankful for that. I do not regret the experience either. I loved and lost and was able to feel so many emotions through the process. Love, joy, happiness, pain, sorrow, disappointment …That is life 🙂

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